About Trauma Bonds
“Trauma bond” – you've probably started hearing this phrase more often around the internet lately! Let's start with a definition. Very simply: a trauma bond is a powerful attachment with an ongoing cycle of good times, harm, good times, harm.
Contrary to some pop usage, it is not about the deep emotional connection you feel with someone after going through a trauma with them (a natural disaster, a terrible workplace, etc). We do need to develop a term for that experience! But trauma bonding is something else; it specifically refers to relationships that involve cycles of good/bad that you just can't resolve. You've seen it happen to friends, to celebrities - and maybe even experienced it yourself. The good times are really good but the bad times are really bad. You want to leave but you keep going back. Sometimes you know deep down that they're bad for you and maybe you're even frightened for your safety once in a while, but the in-between times are such a relief and so exciting! You just can't give that person up, even though family and friends keep telling you to leave.
That's a trauma bond at work.
So why do you keep going back? Why can't you just walk away? How can you feel addicted to someone who's not good for you, so much of the time?
Let's talk about intermittent reinforcement. This is a term you might understand best in the context of gambling: you mostly lose, but you win just often enough to keep trying. You don't know when the win is going to come, so your brain stays highly focused on the game in expectation of an eventual reward. Meanwhile: dozens, hundreds, or thousands of dollars disappear. The seemingly random (intermittent) schedule of reward distracts the brain away from losses and creates a sort of addiction.
Just about everyone has experienced a more subtle version of this with social media – refreshing the page almost subconsciously, hoping for something new and exciting to pop up (which does happen just often enough to keep you refreshing again!)… and not noticing a whole hour just disappeared.
Intermittent reinforcement is used by casinos and social media empires for the same reason: it's very hard for humans to resist the pull.
Sometimes, unhealthy relationships use intermittent reinforcement, too.
Two ropes, one hook
How Do You Know If It Is Love or a Trauma Bond?
So how do you know if you're looking at normal love with the usual ups and downs, versus a trauma bond in a harmful relationship?
There are some key differences. Healthy relationships look like this in hard times:
there's conflict, but it is worked through in a respectful way
there's growth and repair of the relationship when something is wrong
difficulties are temporary, not in an everlasting up-down-up-down pattern
By contrast, a trauma-bonded relationship looks this way:
there may be an apology, but the hurtful behavior comes back over and over
you feel confused, tense, and obsessed with them
you sometimes think about leaving but always get sucked back into forgetting about the bad
While trauma-bonded relationships can feel extremely close and connected at times, it isn't because of a peaceful nervous system. Trauma-bonded relationships keep your nervous system in a constant fluctuation of high stress, high relief, high stress again – and you don't need me to tell you that's bad for the brain and body!
If you feel the stress of that cycle of hope-pain-hope-pain, or you keep going back to someone you tried to leave, or you feel like that one relationship is eating up all your energy, begin very small: just begin by exploring whether you might be trapped in a cycle that’s bigger than you.
Rope, doing its job on its own
How Do You Detach From a Trauma Bond?
Detaching from a trauma bond is not simple - if this feels extraordinarily difficult for you, know that you’re in the good company of many others who have struggled with the exact same thing. Rewiring your brain is hard work. Always remember: there will be light at the end of the tunnel! It is hard now, but it won’t stay this hard.
Here are some steps to start moving a new direction today.
Journaling. If you're not sure whether you're experiencing a trauma bond, begin by journaling. Start writing out everything that’s happening, both the good times and the bad. Then notice whether there is a pattern or growth or of empty apologies between rounds of the exact same behavior. Journaling is an incredibly important first step because it helps you gain clarity in the confusion. (Make sure to do this in a discreet way if the relationship is highly controlling.)
Tell someone. Find someone safe and understanding, who is willing to read an article about trauma bonding or already knows about it, and talk to them about what you're experiencing. Verbal processing and seeing your situation from the eyes of someone who isn't experiencing the hormonal roller coaster of high/low cycles, can be invaluable. (If your relationship includes abuse, call your local domestic violence shelter to chat with someone who knows all about that dynamic.)
Increase self-care. Identify things that you do for yourself that don't involve the person you have a trauma bond with: hot baths, playing with the dog, chatting with a coworker about the news, taking a class for a new hobby, etc. Begin small and expand from there: do things that increase your positive sense of self as distinct from the other person, as much as you can.
Reduce contact. Again, begin in small, attainable ways and expand your capacity from there. Maybe you decide to wait 20 minutes before seeking them out instead of doing so immediately, maybe you allow yourself to text only half the times you have an impulse to do so and practice self-soothing the other times – whatever you choose to start with, make sure it is a small enough move that you can do it right now. Do something right now, and add a little more to it tomorrow. (In some situations boundaries can be a dangerous step: don't disregard your intuition. Reach out to your local domestic violence shelter to make a safety plan if your intuition says this could get scary.)
Seek therapy. Rewiring the brain and bringing the nervous system back to a place of peace is much easier with supportive people in your corner. If you're struggling with the lingering effects of a trauma bond, reach out today! I offer a free consultation to all new clients so you can enter therapy with confidence that you’re in the right place.
Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, trauma, painful relationships or spiritual harm.