How Do You Heal Trauma Gently?

It's not uncommon for someone to enter therapy knowing they need help but also so afraid of what they're holding inside that they blurt out, “I don't want to talk about my trauma.” And I say, “That's okay, you don't have to.” And it's true: I don't have to know all the details to work with your nervous system. But there's also this: a gentle approach to trauma means dealing with it in careful doses that aren't overwhelming, until your capacity grow and the trauma itself shrinks to a bearable proportion.

You might think of your internal world after trauma this way: trauma has been shoved off to the far corner, and a brick wall has been built to separate the rest of you from it so that you can go on with normal life. People have an amazing capacity to wall off the unbearable: children go to school and study math hours after being abused; soldiers call home to talk about a car repair with their partner after living through an ambush. This fabulous capacity allows us to not collapse under unbearable pressures, but it also haunts us with reverberating trauma symptoms because the trauma is growing into a monster behind that brick wall, demanding to be seen.

A brick wall to keep trauma behind

Eventually your internal world has two polarized extremes: Trauma Monster on one side of the brick wall, Normal Life on the other side. You are severed inside and tossed back and forth between trying to forget but also experiencing intrusive, overwhelming flashbacks. The Trauma Monster becomes ever more frightening, and you might even find yourself entering therapy but saying “I don't want to talk about my trauma.” That’s a sign of how big and scary it's gotten behind that wall and that you know very well what might happen if it gets loose.

But there are gentle ways to step out of this polarization.

Did you ever see a giant pendulum at a science museum as a kid, or did you ever watch the weights in a grandfather clock swing back and forth? They're steady and stable, not getting stuck at either end, peacefully propelled back and forth. That's a good image for how to approach trauma gently. We go in and briefly see a portion of the Trauma Monster, then swing back out to Normal Life. Trauma Monster, Normal Life, Trauma Monster, Normal Life. Back and forth in a steady, not-frantic rhythm, not getting stuck in either place but tending to both places with steady kindness.

A pendulum swinging back and forth

I like to think of pendulation - that movement like a pendulum weight - between Normal Life and Trauma as the opportunity to take one brick off the wall at each pass. Each time you move to the place where Trauma Monster resides behind the wall, we bear witness and soothe it a little bit, and the Trauma Monster shrinks a little bit. Steadily we dismantle the wall and build capacity to coexist with that old trauma, but we do it without getting overwhelmed.

In addition, as you keep moving between the two places your brain builds new neural pathways to exit trauma triggers instead of spiraling – so a trigger isn't as overwhelming and you can navigate more places, sounds, and experiences without fear of being dumped into a trauma reliving that will spiral you for days.

When we're doing a brief visit to the Trauma Monster behind the brick wall, you decide what is bearable. Can you only bear to look at it for three seconds? That's okay, we'll do that – it is still building brain wiring that will help you! We start where your capacity is, no matter how small that is. And as we keep moving back and forth between Normal Life and Trauma Monster, your capacity grows too.

If the Trauma Monster behind the wall feels too big, too scary, and too powerful to let out, remember there is a gentler way forward. Reach out today to get help at the pace your nervous system can heal.

Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, trauma, painful relationships or spiritual harm.