How to Survive Estrangement
Therapy in person in Wichita and online across Kansas
Why is Estrangement So Common Now?
Estrangement from family can feel like a generous and wide road that has become narrow and separate
Losing family is one of the most painful things humans can experience, making estrangement a tender topic to approach. In some sense, estrangement has always been part of the experience of families: people have been uprooting, moving far away, and allowing contact to go minimal all through human history. We don’t have solid evidence that the rate of estrangement has actually increased in recent years, but talking about it has definitely increased, and the conversation is rife with understandably intense emotions. Because it’s such a pain-riddled and polarized topic, it can be challenging to find “helpful help” when you’re living with it in real time even though there is a plethora of material available.
So for the sake of this article, let’s begin by naming a few of the social forces that are underneath the present estrangement conversations:
Easy access to free communication across the miles makes it painfully obvious that avoidance is happening, compared to when “missed calls,” paying for long distance by the minute, or handwriting letters was the only communication available for distant family. Relational distance and geographical distance no longer closely overlap: choosing distance is now a sharper behavior. You may be able to think of some friends or relatives in a previous era who moved away and fell out of contact with family, even if it wasn’t called estrangement at the time.
Priorities around family loyalty are shifting particularly in more individualistic sections of American culture. Default loyalty to family (“Blood is thicker than water” and “At the end of the day, family is all you have”) may be diminishing for some people. Younger individuals may be more likely to evaluate family relationships on metrics other than just blood-relatedness. The emergence of different value systems around relatedness can generate conflict between generations.
The baseline definition of “good parenting” has shifted: long gone are the days of shooing kids out the door to roam the streets til dark. Today's young parents hear a lot about the emerging research on being attuned, modeling relational repair, providing secure attachment, and other things that parents from other generations heard nothing about. Sometimes young parents feel the pressure of learning new skills to pass on to their kids, that were not part of their childhoods and still aren’t part of the current relationship with their parents - and they have feelings about it.
Brain science has advanced at a rapid pace in the last few decades, giving people more vocabulary for experiences that have always been part of humanity as well as access to treatments that didn’t exist in previous eras. Conversations about trauma, mental health, abuse, and boundaries are part of every day life now. This can lead to intergenerational conflicts about definitions, experiences, whose memories are accurate, and appropriate responses to these experiences.
When these social shifts and other forces collide inside a family, the result can be pain that radiates out in every direction, changing how everyone thought family life would go. Emotions run high and bodies feel reactive. So what can you do if you are experiencing estrangement? Read on for thoughts about surviving estrangement as a parent or anyone who is on the receiving end of estrangement. (If you’re the one who chose distance or going no-contact, this article may be more helpful to you.)
Two roads going different directions
What Do You Do When a Family Member Cuts You Off?
Estrangement can initially feel like being blindsided - in many cases cut-off feels like the last straw in a whole haystack to the child, but that last straw catches the parent off guard and seems irrationally small - leading to a sense of shock that overwhelms everything else about life for a while. The grief of a death-without-death runs right through all the initial responses usually associated with bereavement: denial, anger, bargaining, depression…. Only, no one shows up with casseroles and you may experience social judgment and internal shame instead of mourning rituals.
Be very kind to yourself during this experience and cocoon yourself with practical self-care. Some ways to help care for yourself through this include:
The loss of relationship with a child is an intense experience that your body will feel keenly, and your body needs extra care right now. Massages may be helpful. Focus on supporting your ability to sleep and continuing to eat three meals a day. Practice deep breathing. Make a short list of things that help your body cope with stress, and try to do some of them each day.
Consider taking up a new hobby that moves your body in mindful ways like planting a garden, taking a dance class, going fishing, or woodworking. Body movement and curiosity are important for moving through this experience. Challenge yourself to take on something new that moves your body and requires some learning. Grief can eat up all your brain space; when you are able, counteract it by actively taking on positive new learning experiences.
Consider expanding your social circle to include a group that doesn’t revolve around potentially triggering things like talking about children and grandchildren, such as taking a cooking class populated by a mix of ages, genders and cultures. Keep throwing your brain a lifeline by putting it in social opportunities that are expansive rather than just reminders of loss.
Sign up for a volunteer opportunity. Serving others is a time-honored way to ease your own pain and restore a measure of meaning in life.
Choose a safe relationship(s) that has capacity to support you through this without making it all about themselves or trying to resolve your pain with a quick fix. It’s important to have someone bear witness to your experience, and it’s helpful to have a place to speak your feelings without fear of judgment.
If you’re experiencing symptoms like rumination, anxiety, depression, and anger, consider going to therapy. Therapy can help metabolize this experience and find your way forward again.
A road, separating… and then maybe coming back together, just out of sight in the future?
Reconciliation After Estrangement
It’s important to know that even some relationships that appear fractured beyond repair, sometimes circle back in the future. This may be a chapter rather than the end of the book. Patience and self-care will be necessary companions as you wait to see what future chapters hold, but you can sit with some hope, too. If you desire to prepare for a future reconciliation, consider the following general suggestions for what may be applicable in your situation:
First, be choosey about the material you consume about estrangement. The internet is host to many voices on the issue of estrangement but unfortunately many of those resources are unhelpful in preparation for reconciliation or try to sell a promise of results that can’t actually be guaranteed. Prioritize material based on research and material that helps you feel seen from within an overall tone of curiosity, compassion, and patience for both sides: reconciliation will call for those things. Estrangement.com is one example of a resource that aims for a middle path of realism and hope, with space for both parents and adult children to learn from each other toward personal transformation - resources like this can be helpful once you’ve worked through the initial shock and grief and feel able to access curiosity again.
Be careful what you say publicly. Online statements are easy to screenshot and can find their way to places you didn’t intend - your child may eventually see more of what you say than anticipated. So if you hope for eventual reconciliation, avoid online statements and public discussions that could find their way to your kid. Try to aim for neutral statements like, “We’re struggling right now, but I do love my child.” Save the vulnerable processing of emotions and confusion for relationships that are trustworthy and private.
In a similar vein, be strategic in what you say to your child if you still have some contact. If things haven’t been improving, considering backing off to recalibrate rather than trying more of the same moves that already aren’t working. If you feel big emotions like anger, desperation, fear, and grief, give those emotions a safe home elsewhere, outside the relationship with your child. Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman PhD, has helpful guidance if you think there may be one last conversation available to you with your child.
Work on paradoxical thinking. Be curious about how you did the best you could and how society is shifting and your kids grew up in a very different world than you did. Try to nudge yourself toward thinking about the situation with a both/and rather than an either/or stance. Even if it begins in a very simple way like saying to yourself, “This is probably more complicated than it feels like to me right now, and someday I’ll have more margin to explore that” or noticing to yourself, “I can be friends with XYZ person at the same time I see ABC different than them.”
A helpful resource for parents experiencing estrangement is Fault Lines by Karl Pillemer PhD. It’s based on research rather than being based on personal anecdotes (although it has plenty of stories!) and holds both sides of the issue with kindness and curiosity. Rather than a focus on determining which side is “right” or presenting a simplistic prescription for all cases at all times, it encourages curiosity about what in the relationship might be worth rebuilding in a different, healthier way - and shifting yourself healthier directions while you wait for that opportunity. In many situations, estrangement is more due to current dynamics than past experiences: in such cases, shifting the portion of the dynamics that you hold, is slow but critical work for successful reconciliation.
Not every relationship can be restored and it’s not possible to know in advance what relationships will shift again with time. But you can prepare yourself for the hard work of repair while you wait for the opportunity, and you can build a life that is worth waking up for every morning, regardless of the outcome.
Looking ahead
How Therapy Helps Estrangement
If you want to further explore what therapy with your child and aimed at reconciliation might look like, check out Rules of Estrangement. If estrangement and/or enmeshment are patterns in your family history that you thought had subsided but now has erupted again in another generation, consider looking for a therapist familiar with Bowen Family Systems to explore the mechanisms of this pattern.
But in most cases, therapy is primarily something you can do right now to facilitate your own healing, so that if reconciliation is someday available, you’re prepared to take the opportunity. Some of the things you can expect good therapy to include in response to estrangement:
Helping your body feel less anxious, depressed, and sad all the time
Giving you tools to cope with distress, be less reactive, and to respond with curiosity if reconciliation becomes an option
Increasing clarity and curiosity around social movements, family patterns, and individual behaviors, so that your brain understands what's happening and can stop spiraling in rumination
Reducing the shame and isolation of this experience by having a safe place to process
Helping you find renewed meaning in life
Therapy for Estrangement in Wichita, KS
I see clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. If you're looking for compassionate support in navigating family estrangement, I offer all new clients a free consultation so that you can enter therapy with confidence that you're in the right place to do the work you want to do. Reach out today to schedule your free consultation today!
Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, painful relationships, spiritual harm, and trauma.