Surviving Betrayal Trauma
Therapy for painful relationships in person in Wichita and online across Kansas
Betrayal trauma can leave you feeling like you’re drowning and need a life preserver thrown to you
Betrayal Trauma: The Day Everything Changed
Betrayal in an intimate partnership comes in many forms: stumbling upon a double life, disclosure of infidelity, finding out images of you were shared without consent, financial secrets that burst into view, or someone suddenly walking out of what you thought was a good relationship. Trust can be shattered in endless ways, and the impact on your brain and body from intimate partner betrayal frequently feels catastrophic. In fact, it’s not uncommon for betrayal trauma to generate symptom that mimic PTSD that can be even more intense than the symptoms of people who have experienced things more commonly understood to cause trauma, like severe car accidents and abuse. You’re not crazy or alone, if it feels like everything just shattered.
Don’t sit alone in betrayal trauma - reach out for support from someone safe
The First 24 Hours
The initial aftermath of betrayal can be a roller coaster of intense emotions, brain fog, shaking, insomnia, lost appetite, and racing thoughts. It can be an intensely physical and emotional experience that overshadows everything else in normal life for a while.
Your brain may be focused on big questions like whether to stay or go, and it may be frantically rehashing memories to examine what was true or false about them now that you have a new lens. These questions feel urgent, even while you probably lack enough information and feel too overwhelmed by brain fog, to make decisions. So if you can safely wait, give yourself time for the big stuff. Draw whatever temporary boundaries you need immediately and then, if it is safe to do so, save the big decisions for weeks or months down the road when you have full information and when the shock and brain fog have begun to recede.
In the first 24 hours, narrow your focus to immediate needs and body care as much as you can.
Choose someone safe to disclose to - get human support on board as soon as possible. Look for someone who can provide practical support (like prompting you to eat, helping with childcare, etc) without pushing you toward big decisions too quickly
Simplify the calendar for the next few days
Eat
Drink water
Shower or take a hot bath
Take slow, deep breaths with a hand on your chest and another over your stomach in self-support
Try to get some sleep, even if it is fragmented
A hot bath won’t be very relaxing and ice cream may not taste like a treat, but keeping up with the basic needs of your body is important to fortify yourself for the weeks ahead. Self-care is one of your most urgent tasks in the first hours and days after betrayal.
Betrayal trauma is a crisis, but you won’t be in crisis forever. There is another side that you will arrive at eventually.
The First Weeks
Basic self-care continues to be a priority in the weeks after betrayal. It may be helpful to ask your support person(s) to check in with you regularly on whether you’re eating and drinking. It may also be helpful to make a doctor appointment to talk about temporary medication support if physical symptoms of anxiety and insomnia are too prominent to get enough sleep for functioning at work and home.
Some people feel immediate, undoubting clarity after betrayal; they know exactly what they need to do next. But for many people, it’s common to feel swung between emotions like longing and a desire to keep the relationship, then rage and a desire to leave. Try to ride the waves of emotion with patience: they’re all real experiences that offer information on the wounds you’re now holding. It’s common for it to take weeks or months for clarity to emerge in a path of action. It’s okay to tell your support people - who may also be distressed on your behalf - that you’re taking the time and space to be careful rather than rushed in decisions.
If your brain feels like a popcorn machine with lots of things popping up nonstop, it may be helpful to generate lists like Things I Need To Do Right Now versus Things I Need to Do Later. Place things onto the appropriate list as they jump into view. Making sure the kids eat breakfast is a thing for right now; arranging STI testing may be a task for later in the week, and deciding where to live may be a decision for two months from now. Your brain is likely to be overwhelmed by the barrage for a while: making and triaging lists can help you gain a small sense of control in the chaos.
Another experience that is common in the weeks after discovering betrayal, is a compulsive search for more information: asking questions, checking devices, and pressing third parties for verification. The beliefs and assumptions you had organized your life around, turned out to be missing this enormous thing: of course your brain is wondering what other information may also be missing! It’s a common trauma response to search, double check, and frantically look for any more secrets that could come along and change your world again. (And often there is more information than you first got.) Unfortunately, this search also keeps your nervous system in a prolonged state of peak distress. If possible, consider scaling back the searching and instead asking your partner to prepare a therapeutic disclosure with the aid of a therapist versed in betrayal trauma. Once completed, a therapeutic disclosure gives you the needed information without repeated betrayal shocks from finding out information piecemeal and not knowing when you have all the information versus have more to discover. And, a therapeutic disclosure is an opportunity for your partner to choose whether to do their own internal work toward transparency, make an initial move toward trust rebuilding, and can enable you to move toward decisions with solid information.
Therapy for Betrayal Trauma in Wichita, KS
If you’re experiencing intense symptoms after a betrayal, don’t downplay that: you aren’t crazy or overreacting. It’s normal to have intense symptoms after betrayal and it’s important to get support from trusted individuals, in order to heal and find your way forward again. There is hope for the future even though the world feels like vertigo around you right now.
If you’re in Kansas and need therapeutic support to find your way forward again, read more about me here and then reach out today to schedule your free consultation. I offer consultations to all new clients because I believe you deserve to feel safe, hopeful and confident that you’re in the right place for the work you want to do.
Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, painful relationships, spiritual harm, and trauma.