How Do You Recover From Being in a Cult? (Part 1)
Religious trauma therapy in person in Wichita and online across Kansas
Confusion: one of the most common symptoms when trying to leave a high-control situation!
Was I in a Cult?
What is a cult? There are lots of definitions of cults floating around with stricter or looser parameters. From a therapeutic lens, the precise definition matters less than the impact an experience had on you. But let’s start with this: googling that question is not a good sign!
One way I like to approach the question is to look at healthy communities. One trait of healthy communities is a capacity for paradox. In healthy relationships, you have control of your own life but you also bend toward the good of others, you think for yourself but also listen to others’ input, you provide feedback but also receive leadership, you know what your values are but tolerate connection to people with different values. Paradoxes! In essence, healthy community allows you to flourish in uniqueness but also calls for you to balance a focus on self with the greater good of the community. Unfortunately, relationships, families and communities can easily move into a ditch on either side of that paradox:
High individualism - the prioritization of self without regard to the greater good creates unsatisfying connections, leaving people lonely, unsupported in times in need, and prone to anxiety and depression. It’s not good to always prioritize self above others.
High control - this is where communities/families/churches push for group cohesion no matter what. This can range in extremity from not being allow to think differently or ask questions, to being expected to cover up or even facilitate abuse. Experiences in these systems can generate symptoms of PTSD when harmful people exploit its vulnerabilities. It’s not good to always prioritize the group above individuals.
If you’ve been googling terms like high control, cult, or coercive control, it is likely you’ve experienced something more on the high-control end of this spectrum and are wondering how to move forward in healing. Rather than repeat or debate the materials available elsewhere that attempt to define cults or controlling relationships, in this article we’re going to assume you’re reading because you experienced something on the high control end of life that you want to heal from, and instead focus on the process of recovery.
The following are some common elements to recovery work after being in a high-control setting, whether it was an abusive relationship or a controlling organization, community or church.
Drawing Healthy Boundaries
If setting boundaries is difficult for you, just know that’s common. In many controlling systems, people learn to ignore their own internal cues in order to stay connected and compliant. You may not even notice that you are uncomfortable and need something different until you are exhausted or resentful. And then when you try to set a boundary, it can feel like you’re being mean and selfish. This is normal. You can read more why it’s difficult to set boundaries here and how that relates to trauma here, but here’s a few tips for moving foward:
Boundaries sometimes are to prevent harm in bad relationships (stopping abuse), but they are also part of preserving health in good relationships. Healthy relationships have boundaries, too!
Getting better at boundaries starts with noticing when you need one, earlier in the process. Instead of noticing at the point where you feel resentment, you can gradually start noticing small cues in your body that indicate a boundary will be helpful, long before resentment arises. Sometimes this can allow you to draw smaller boundaries that take less emotional energy and feel more peaceful over all.
You can draw the boundary of needing time to make a decision or think about your answer, while you figure out what boundary you need. You’re allowed to figure out what you think, what you need, and what you prefer. “I’ll get back with you about that” is a great response!
Two in-depth resources that may be helpful are the books Who Deserves Your Love by KC Davis, LPC and The Set Boundaries Workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab, LSCW.
Learning to think for yourself: a choose-your-own-adventure story in real life!
Thinking For Yourself
Controlling communities rely on controlling your inner world: you are told what to believe, what to feel, who to listen to, and how to behave. This control can become so powerful over individuals that they stop allowing critical thoughts even in the privacy of their minds. So what’s it like to exit and learn to think for yourself?
Accept that this is a process. You’ll feel freer at some points that others, and you’ll probably be annoyed now and again for years by realizing old thought patterns are popping up again. This is normal! Healing is a process.
One place to begin the work of trusting your own thoughts is in the project of trusting your memory. Write things down that happened, and review those notes when plagued by self-doubt or wondering if you made it all up. This can help slowly strengthen your trust in what you know happened and ripple out to more confidence in other areas.
Expand your knowledge: exposure to lots of ideas, information, and other people’s stories helps provide the data that can turn into wise intuition. High-control communities often control information, which can leave you feeling behind the curve and vulnerable. Learning to think for yourself is a balance between trusting your emerging insights and also helping those insights get faster and wiser by providing plenty of information.
Be aware that your brain may feel drawn to replacing the previous authority figure with a new group or person who can provide that cocooned feeling you had in the high-control community. If you find yourself feeling “all in” on something brand new, pause and be internally curious about whether this new thing is offering a shortcut past the work of developing yourself (and whether they might have an agenda in offering you that feeling!). Try not to immediately jump all-in to a new relationship, new belief, or new community: give yourself time to move at the pace of human change.
Living with more uncertainty feels risky, but the ground ready to catch you isn’t far away
Finding Safety Without Certainty
Feeling safety and belonging in high-control circles hinges on knowing exactly what you’re supposed to do/think/feel at all times - which helps you make sure you don’t do/think/feel something the person/group will reject you for. In other words: for many survivors, certainty and compliance led to feeling safe. You can read more about the relationship between this brain mechanism and trauma, here.
So a piece of recovery for a lot of people is learning to be at peace with uncertainty and difference. Practice reassuring yourself and sitting through the discomfort when you don’t know the answer to something. Let things take time to unfold and grow, rather than needing to know what to do/think/feel right away. (See the above boundary section: “I’ll get back with you about that”!) Over time, your nervous system can learn to feel secure even when you differ from the people around you, when close relationships disagree, and when you are still figuring out what you really think. Your values (see part two) can become a bigger part of what guides you, and the plethora of external voices that will always want to tell you what to do/think/feel can become a smaller part of what guides you.
If you’re struggling with finding your way after a high-control relationship, family, community or church, you can read more about me here, read about my approach to healing spiritual harm here, then schedule a free consultation. I offer free consultations because my goal is for you to enter therapy with confidence that you’re in the right place for the work you want to do!
Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, trauma, painful relationships or spiritual harm.