Why Are Boundaries So Hard?

Do people sometimes tell you “just set boundaries!” but your innards want to collapse at the idea? You're not alone in this experience. For every person who feels strong, confident, and able to set boundaries, there's just as many people who feel just like you do about boundaries: guilty.

It's important to acknowledge up front that cultural differences can play a significant role in this – many cultures prioritize social connections and loyalty to your people, above a more individualistic self-care path. There are many ways to be in the world, and it's a particularly delicate dance to improve your mental health through boundaries in an environment that has strengths in values that are somewhat counter to holding boundaries. There’s no universal way to handle drawing boundaries, and there’s space for these differences in therapy too!

Boundaries make good neighbors!

But what about when it isn't cultural, when lots of people around you do set boundaries easily, and when you think you should probably do better at this? What if it is just hard for you?

There's a lot of routes to ending up with this struggle, but let's start with what is true regardless: a lot of time difficulty with boundaries is informed by a deep sense of care for other people, and that is good. Your desire to care for the people around you is good. Humans are hardwired to belong in community and to survive through collaboration and by somewhat prioritizing the group over themselves. So when you struggle to draw healthy boundaries today, start by knowing that it originates from something good in you. It is good to want to belong, to care for others, and to think about how your decisions impact others.

Sometimes it just swings a little too far that direction though, right?

• You say yes to things you know you don't have capacity for

• You say yes and then feel resentful

• You find it easier to go along with things because it's not worth the conflict from saying no

• You're exhausted and carving out time for self-care is a joke

Humans struggle to set boundaries for a lot of reasons. Boundary struggles can originate in childhood trauma, harmful relationships, socialized values or church teachings – and that's just a starter list. Therapy is a fantastic place to dig through these issues.

Boundaries exist where you end and I begin

But there's one really important thing to know about setting boundaries: it will be hard when you start. You'll probably want to back pedal your first boundary, you'll probably feel mean with your second boundary, and you'll still feel guilty with your third boundary. Learning to set boundaries is uncomfortable.

The human brain operates this way around uncomfortable things: what you avoid gets bigger, what you face gets smaller. The more you avoid setting boundaries, the more uncomfortable they become. And, the more you practice setting boundaries, the more tolerance you gain for them.

You'll be uncomfortable when you say no because you have no time, when you say no because you are already worn out, and when you say no because you don't think things will get better unless you change the relationship dynamic. So go out there and do it anyway. And while you’re doing it, notice the beliefs, emotions and sensations that erupt inside. Wait them out with curiosity. And then say no again, another day.

And as you practice, your brain will learn a new way of being.

If this sounds like something you want to work toward, therapy can be a supportive place to sort out how to draw healthy boundaries without pendulum swinging and how to cope with the discomfort when you set a boundary or things go wrong. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and talk about your goals in setting healthier boundaries!

Elizabeth Peters, LMSW is a licensed therapist seeing clients in person in Wichita and online across Kansas. She provides EMDR and somatic therapy for adults who are overwhelmed by anxiety, trauma, painful relationships or spiritual harm.

*Please note that if you are in an abusive relationship, setting boundaries can be unsafe; please only seek support from people informed about abuse to help you navigate wisely.